how to help

I think that one of the trickiest part about watching someone else lose a loved one is wanting to feel useful and helpful, but not quite knowing how to do that.

Having just lost Adam's dad, and having had the best support and encouragement we could've imagined through it, I thought I'd put together a little list of how people cared for us this last month or so... maybe it'll help you in a similar situation?

1. People just took the reigns and did something, anything! Because we often didn't know what would be helpful or what to ask for, I LOVED it that people just took the initiative themselves.  One couple brought cupcakes over, another friend mowed our yard, a group of girls cleaned our house to get it ready for guests, some people stocked our fridge with basics.  My mind was so all-over-the-place that I never could really answer the, "How can we help?" question... but when people just did things, it came across as such a gesture of support and encouragement.


2. They asked someone else what might be helpful.  It was easy for me to see things that would be helpful for Evette (Adam's mom) the week after Mark died, but not nearly as easy for her to see for herself.  Similarly, my own mom did SUCH a great job of seeing needs and coordinating help for us in the super-crazy aftermath of Mark's death.  Between things that I mentioned to her that might be helpful and things she saw on her own, she had a list of ideas on hand when people asked how to help.  By asking her, people got a tangible answer of a way to help that we maybe couldn't clearly see or communicate ourselves.

3. People sent cards...  Our mailbox (and email inboxes) were flooded with messages of support and encouragement.  What a tremendous blessing those notes were!  We were especially touched when people included something special they remembered about Mark in their notes. We got a card from some of Adam's dad's best friends last week that had a whole list of specific things they will miss about Mark.  It's hanging on our bulletin board.  We love knowing that other people are missing the same things that we are missing- it's comforting somehow.

4. ...and they sent gift cards. I know this sounds silly, but the fast food and gas gift cards that people gave us were a lifesaver that week of the funeral.  It seemed like we were constantly driving back and forth to the airport or dashing through a drive through.  The gift of being able to set the budget aside for a week was such a weight off our shoulders.

Y'all would be amazed at the thoughtfulness of our community of friends and family.  We have been absolutely overwhelmed by people's care and encouragement.  Hopefully this little list will be helpful as you take care of other people who face something similar...